Devoted to the Propagation and Defense of New Testament Christianity
October 13, 1955
NUMBER 23, PAGE 10-11a


Rusty Rastus, Bigtown, Bigstate

I have not reported in some time, but I take courage and press on. I have been here 9 years, 2 months, 14 days, 6 hours, 22 minutes as I begin this article. The brethren say the work now is in the best condition it has ever been in. During this time, 3 have been baptized, 4 have placed membership and 1% have been restored. Also 2 old women and 1 little girl have looked serious during the invitation songs.

I have won 1876 horseshoe games, while losing only 939. I have won 2337 games of "Forty-Two", while losing only 93. I have won 396 games of golf, while losing only 72. I have eaten: 7856 eggs, 268 gallons of ice cream, 109 watermelons, 426 cantaloupes, 1119 hens, 17 cows and 21 pigs. Besides all of this: I have chewed 3280 packages of gum, 3 plugs of tobacco, and have smoked 4852 packs of cigarettes, and 373 boxes of cigars and have gone fishing 722 times, and deer hunting 9 time. I have also drunk 1038 gallons of water, 6570 cups of coffee, and 2152 glasses of tea. I have also bought 37 suits, 629 neck ties, 42 pairs of shoes, 44 hats and 4 cars. I have also seen 81 football games, 376 picture shows, 144 baseball games, 52 wrestling matches, 9 rodeos, 16 prize fights and the State Fair 6 times.

I have gone on 9, two week vacations, covering almost all of the United States, Mexico and Canada and am wondering where I can go next year. I have made one extended 6 months tour of the Holy Land and have taken 4,326,692 feet of colored film, which I shall be glad to show upon request, as well as give my illustrated lecture. I have preached in 2 nearby counties, and have held 3, two night meetings, between Sundays at my own expense.

I have read the New Testament almost through, during this time, but developed eye trouble, and had to quit. I now get most of my sermons already printed, because I am so busy, I don't have time to study like I should.

I have tried out with 8 other churches, since I have been here, have been accepted for work, 6 times, and have threatened to quit here 6 times, because I could draw more money elsewhere, but the local group has raised my pay 6 times, so I have consented to stay. "A laborer is worthy of his hire", you know.

I have married 93 couples, during my stay here. Of this number, 66 couples had been married from 2 to 5 times previously, but all had scriptural right for divorce and remarriage; although 23 of the couples admitted they had never read the Bible, or attended services regularly. Then 6 of the couples had corresponded with Brother Nuway, the erudite editor, of the VITUPERATOR, and he told them, if they had been divorced according to the civil laws of the state in which they lived, they were fit subjects for remarriage, provided they had not been baptized previously. Then I looked at it from this angle; I could not keep them from getting married, for if I had refused them, they would have secured the services of someone else, so I figured, I could use the 5 bucks as well as the next man. We take courage and press on.

Now about our work here: our attendance has decreased until it is only half what it was when I came, and our new building program gets under way next week. Believe me, it is a "must" to accommodate our crowds. We plan to cut our building down to one half its present size. In fact our attendance has declined so rapidly, that we have had to decrease the size of the building 3 times in the last 2 years, in order to find the people who came to services. One dear old lady, who has eye trouble, wandered off to one side of the building, one day last Spring, and was lost 23 hours before we found her.

We will take the half of the building we no longer need, and use the material in the construction of a beautiful commodious Partnership Hall, with triple expansion double lever windows, and a chain on the sprocket, stained glass, magic eye door. The cupola is to be fricasseed with Italian Ionian Frieze work, of the 15th century design. The triglyphs, will be horizontal, instead of rectangular, interlaced with metopes, channeling grooves to each side of the square. The floors are to be of the finest imported Peruvian Teak Root, while the walls will be a velvety sky blue pink, with a double ensemble, near the posterior, whereas the anterior will be of beige, overlapped with chrome. The drapes are of Australian Nut-Meg Leaves, by Draep.

The hall will be used as a skating rink, with juke box attachments, for the Teen Age Group, a domino parlor, for the Business Men's Club, a banquet hall for the Business And Professional Woman's Club, a Reading Room for the old maids and a Courting Room, for prospective brides and grooms. I plan to teach a class twice yearly on, "Love, Courtship And Marriage". I have a book on, "How To Win Your Man", and the companion volume will be out this Fall. It is entitled, "How To Hold Him After You Get Him". These books may be secured from the author only, at a liberal discount, if you act within the next 4 years. A special Davy Crockett Room has been set aside for our Tiny Tots Club, complete with coonskin caps, stick horses, knives and guns. We take courage and press on.

Loots and Coots, the biggest construction firm, in the biggest city in the south, has agreed to do our construction work for us at a nice discount of 93%. When our new plant is completed, it will be valued at slightly less than $16,162,329.06, according to Enders, Benders, and Lenders, the largest appraising Firm in the Largest City, in the largest state, in the largest democracy in the world. Other private concerns have said that it was easily double that figure. We believe this to be the largest evaluation, placed on a plant and accessories among us, and if any congregation of comparable size, would like to dispute the claim, we will be glad to engage in friendly rivalry with such, but we will accept no figures unless they are certified by a bonded appraising Company, under the seal of a notary public, whose commission does not expire until 1959.

We plan to make a big occasion of the ground breaking ceremony. Bjon, of the largest commercial photographing firm, in the largest city in the south will be on hand to get a sound recorded, color film, in the fourth dimension, of the entire proceedings, showing me, shaking hands with Mr. Loots, of the construction firm, representing 209 years of continuous contracting business in the city. We plan to have our Chorus humming softly in the back ground. We plan to send pictures, with an appropriate write up to all three big city dailies, which have a combined circulation of 4,000,000. Then we plan to send pictures and write-ups to all of the brother-hood papers showing how a local church can march. Of course the fourth dimension film can only be seen with a reversible triple lithographic focused glasses, so at our last business meeting, we voted to purchase 250,000 pairs, so that all who want to see, will be able to view the film. We feel sure that the cost of the ground breaking ceremony, film, glasses and all, will be infinitesimal, in comparison to the influence it will bring us.

In order to cover the cost of the entire project, we are issuing gold faced, par valued, silver plated, bonified, gilt edged, wrinkle proof, bonds to mature in 3 years at 20%, less government tax of 19.4%

I have talked to a great many preacher friends, and they seemed to think the church everywhere is doing fine without a ripple on the sea. They did say that there was some instability in some sections, but they would not take sides on the issues because it would kill one's influence. Knowing that if a man's influence is curtailed, he cannot do much work, I have decided to refrain from taking sides on anything. We take courage and press on.

Fraternally Rusty Rastus

P. S. Our Fall meeting begins next Monday night. Dr. Creepers, Mistletoe Soothly, President of Pocahontas College, at Drip Springs, will be the guest speaker, and will bring the messages each evening from 8:00 to 8:14. He has shaken hands with General McArthur, and has seen Sigmund Rhea, President of South Korea, at a distance. He also attended the world conference on Peanut Culture, in Mexico City in 1951. We feel sure his messages will be inspirational and elevational. He will address an area wide Young Peoples meeting on Saturday night on "Love, Courtship And Marriage".

P. S. No. 2 — Brother, you know the above report is not true. It wasn't written as truth, but to make you think. Did you ever send an overdrawn report to a paper?