Devoted to the Propagation and Defense of New Testament Christianity
June 1, 1967
NUMBER 5, PAGE 9b-10a

Uncle Zeke's Reply To Nephew Delmar

(See Gospel Guardian, April 20, 1967)

Dear Nephew Delmar:

I wuz shore sorry to hear that Turkey Run lost its preacher, but can't say as I blame brother Mule-lick fer leavin ya, seein as how yer attitude wuz brot out in yer last letter. The only decent thang ya said about himwuz that he"wuz one fine pulpit preacher." Everthang else ya said sounded like ya wuz talkin bout a lousy good-fer-nothin coon hound. Ye was squalin like a pig hung under a gate cause he moved to Mt.Idy fer more green back, and ya tried to skuse Turkey Run's starvin the poor feller out by sayin yer "in a mite of a pinch." I wuz a wonderin if'n ya ever considered as to why ye is in a pinch. Ya see, uncle Zeke ain't the dumbest feller in Possum Trot. I happens to know that nearly ever member uv the Turkey Run church lives in a better shelter, and drives a better tin lizzy, and totes home more frog skin ever week than yer preacher. Ya see, the church is in a pinch cause the brotherin has been pinchin when the hat wuz passed. I heard somebody say that the Turkey Run brotherin pinches them pennies so hard that president Lincoln recites his Gettysburg address! And by the way, Nephew Delmar, the last time I wuz at Turkey Run I noticed that just about all the brotherin was a talkin bout ther new boats and colored televisionaries. Can't help but wonder how brotherin in a pinch can git all them thar nice thangs.

I couldn't help but notice that ye was bruised cause the preacher wuz a gittin more doe. Do ya thank that's a sin? Ifn ya was hirin out to pick peas and ya had a choice 'tween pickin fer a dollar an a half a bushel and three dollars a bushel, and ye could pick more peas in the feller's pea patch who paid three dollars a bushel, which one would ya work fer? Ya said yerself that it seems that "preachin in one place would be as satisfyin as preachin in another. "Well, do you think pea pickin would be as satisfying at $1.50 a bushel as fer $3? But, of course, ye said ya ain't never preached. Yea, that's whut I thought. You sound like it too! Well, let me tell ya somethin, yer uncle Zeke is preached, and I can testify that it is a heap more satisfying to preach fer brotherin who pay me enough to feed and clothe my younguns. It ain't very satisfyin to preach fer brotherin who go frolikin around in new tin tizzies with big boats taggin behind on long paid vacations, when the wolves is at my door.

Ya said ya was gonna miss brother Mulelick over at Turkey Run. Well, I speckt he is gonna miss youths too; bout like he would miss an old bitin sow! But you said his wife done more work than he done at Turkey Run, and that she is a fine preacher's wife. (I didn't know ya hired her!) Nephew Delmar, it seems to me that Turkey Run ain't got nothin to cry about, seeings as how ya got yer money's worth. Ye said brother Mulelick was a fine pulpit preacher and his wife done more work than he done, and ya admit that youths under paid him. Whut does the Turkey Run brotherin want fer $50 a week? What with him bein a fine pulpit preacher, and his wife a hard worker all fer $50 a week, and ya still ain't satisfied! Seems to me ya ain't got nothin to yell about, and ye ought to admit that the Turkey Run church is jest a passel uv tightwad skinflint penny-pinching preacher starvers. Why last year when I held the big meetin fer um the elders told me with tobacco smoke swirling round their heads that they was poor folks since they had put them bear-skin rugs, padded pews and air conditionaries in the meet-in house and could only give me a ham of meat and a sack of flour fer preachin the meetin. They said they wuz awful sorry, and maybe they could have me back in four or five years and pay me $25.

I read where ye griped about certain preachers wantin more money. Seems as though the brotherin are wantin more too. I ain't never heard of any of um turnin down a higher price fer pea pickin, or refusin a better job when they can git it. I can't help wonderin what makes this rong fer the preacher, and right fer the brotherin.

I found yer writin a little hard to catch on to when ya said Turkey Run has got good elders and consecrated membership. I can't quite figer this out seeins how they starved poor ole brother Mulelick and his hard workin wife and three fine younguns out while they set around in a tub o' butter. If'n ya call that good elders and consecrated members, I has been readin the rong book.

Ya said ya didn't know how long it will be fore youths latch on to another preacher. I speckt it wilibe quite a spell if'n they hear how ya treated poor oie brother Mulelick. I have an idee that ain't nobody gonna be hankerin to move to Turkey Run. But ya said that because uv yer good elders and consecrated members ya could git along right well without one. Maybe that is whut ye oughts do. Without a preacher the brotherin can pinch their pennies a little harder and git them better and bigger tin Tizzies, and a colord televisionary fer their vacation shacks down on dog branch lake. With all the money Turkey Run has got in the pot they could plum cut out the Sunday given fer quite a spell if'n they didn't have to feed a preacher's family.

I ain't mad, ya understand, I is jest tellin ye how thangs looks at Turkey Run through uncle Zeke's eyeballs. And about that ole dog I gave ya, yea, I knowed he wuz a mite gun shy, and jest generally good fer nothin. Ye see, I am sorts like the good elders and consecreated members at Turkey Run, I keeps the best fer meself.

Faithfully, Your uncle Zeke